Welcome to the first edition of The Malpractice Report, our Monday ritual of pulling up the tape on last week’s “expert” picks and handing out the malpractice suits where they’re earned. Week 1 of 2026 gave us one case that belongs in a courtroom.

Exhibit A: The Cardinals Torch a Unanimous Chart

All five ESPN experts picked the Chargers to beat the Cardinals — “expected blowout,” said the consensus. Arizona had other plans, strolling out of SoFi 26-14 winners in what’s already being called the biggest upset of Week 1. When an entire panel agrees on something, that’s not confidence, that’s a red flag. Jacoby Brissett performed surgery on the industry’s credibility in one Sunday afternoon.

Exhibit B: Cowboys Left on the Table in Prime Time

Four of five ESPN voices and both CBS analysts we tracked took Dallas over the Giants on Sunday Night Football. Only ESPN’s Cersosimo, riding Giants +130, had the antibodies to see it coming. New York walked into Jerry World and left 28-20 winners, turning “trust Dallas at home” into a punchline.

Exhibit C: Houston’s “Ferocious Defense” No-Showed

The popular pick had Texans over Bills because Houston’s defense would suffocate Josh Allen. Instead Allen shredded them for 357 yards and four touchdowns in a 36-31 shootout. Down in Melbourne, the same malpractice: the majority had Rams over 49ers, and San Francisco won by 20, 27-7, never even taking the patient’s temperature.

Clean Bill of Health

Credit due: the panel went a clean sweep on the week’s “obvious” calls — Ravens over Colts (41-23), Jaguars over Browns (34-10), Steelers over Falcons (20-13), Jets over Titans (23-10), Raiders over Dolphins (27-13), and Seahawks over Patriots (13-10, even after losing Sam Darnold early). Two more were correct but needed a crash cart: the unanimous Lions needed overtime to beat the Saints 31-30, and the unanimous Eagles barely held off the Commanders, 24-22. Right diagnosis, wrong confidence level.

This Week’s Trend: Fear the Unanimous Chart

The lesson from Week 1: the more experts agree, the more you should worry. The Chargers, Cowboys, and Texans consensus picks were the week’s biggest disasters, while the Bears’ absurd 59-37 track meet over the Panthers (the season’s first Scorigami) proved that “correct pick” and “saw that coming” are not the same thing. Minnesota’s furious fourth-quarter comeback also buried a Packers team that led for most of the day, 39-22 — another right answer arrived at the hard way.

One chart stays open: Broncos-Chiefs on Monday Night hadn’t kicked off as of this report. We’ll check vitals next week. Until then — stay skeptical of the “sure things,” America.